stuck in the backstory
2006-04-23 | 12:00 a.m.

I don't understand.

This has been a really good couple of days.

I got my speech science paper finished and handed in. It's not a great paper, but it'll merit a passing grade, and for once, when I say that's all I care about, I really mean it.

I was out all day yesterday, first at a lab meeting, getting things organized for my summer job. It's looking like it's going to be pretty cool, even if my actual duties are going to involve segmenting audio files more than anything else. Then, after the meeting, we all piled into cars and drove out to Beaconsfield for a barbecue at my prof's house. It was a lot of fun. I really like the group, and I think it's going to be a great summer.

A classmate of mine came over today, early in the morning, and we spent most of the day working on our phonology project. We would have finished, but there was a weird little complication, so we emailed our professor to ask for clarification. Since we can't do any more work until we hear back from her, we decided to meet again on Monday.

Since the phonology assignment is the very last one ... I have no work to do until Monday.

None at all.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Maybe that's part of the problem.

Ever since my friend left this afternoon, I've been all depressed, and it could very well be due to the fact that school has been the sum total of my life all year. Now that it's done, I'm brought up hard against the fact that ... I have no life. None whatsoever.

I have this feeling that there is a life, out there somewhere, that's mine. I just can't seem to put my hands on it. And until I do, I'm barely even real. If I were a character in a novel, I'd be living the backstory right now. The actual plot - my actual life - is nowhere to be found, and that's eating at me.

When do I get my story?

When do I get to feel like my real self?

And why am I feeling this way now, when I'm about to start my practicum, when I've got a cool job lined up, when I'm about to spend a summer living on my own in Montreal .... Bloody hell, I was at a party just last night! I should be feeling great. Shouldn't I? All shiny and full of hope and anticipation? Or something like that?

Bahhh.

I keep telling myself that it will come. Just a day away from something, and all that crap. And most of the time, I manage to convince myself that it's true.

But I've been leading myself on for so long, I can't help thinking that I must just be a cruel, heartless tease.

Okay. Enough whining. I will turn things around. I'm going to do it. It's out there somewhere, my story, and I am going to find it.

Just not tonight.

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