on the other hand, some would say it's a good thing not to be one of those people who's constantly fallilng in love...
2006-08-15 | 12:11 a.m.

So, in the end, I did end up doing things on my birthday.

What, you ask?

Lunch and cake with various lab folks, for one. Mmm, chocolate coffee cake. Which reminds me. There's probably some left in the fridge. I should eat it tomorrow.

Then, I went on a blind date.

That's right, a blind date.

It was fun.

He was a really nice guy, and we got along great. Talking over coffee until all hours. It was nice.

And there's a but coming. You just knew there would be.

...

But it didn't feel like a date.

There. I said it. It didn't feel like a date. It felt like friends hanging out.

I have no idea how he felt about it. And, once again, I find myself torn between my desire not to write things off prematurely, and my desire not to end up faking feelings that just aren't there.

Dammit, why can't I just want someone?

Seriously. I'm 25 years old, and the only guy I've ever found myself really wanting was a guy I knew, right from the start, I couldn't have. I mean, what the hell does that say about me?

And, I know, I shouldn't be so down on myself, based on a single date. I shouldn't. But, dammit, it's disorienting, the loneliness and sexual frustration on the one hand, and the complete lack of people I'm actually interested in on the other.

Anyway, I'm not going to write this guy off just yet. We get along really well, and that alone makes it worth a shot. But I am not going to get sucked in, once again, to a relationship that means less to me than it does to the guy.

I have no desire to, once again, end up like the guy in the song White Lightning, longing for a racehorse to carry me away from a relationship that's long since gone sour, because I don't have the guts to stand up and say "this isn't working for me."

Jeez. Look at me. I am writing this off, aren't I?

Arrrgh.

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