in repair
2006-11-05 | 7:34 p.m.

*sigh*

I really need to talk to my friend. He doesn't get it. And really, it's my fault for setting a bad precedent.

Last year, I was lonely enough that I was totally okay with last-minute plans, and I didn't get overly pissed off at being put off. Pissed, no. Sad and hurt, yes. And, sadly, grateful when he finally found some time for me.

But things have changed now. I have more going on, more of a life. He called me at 10ish last night, to invite me out with a bunch of his friends. I guess he didn't really believe me when I said I needed more than a few hours notice. Anyway, I didn't get the call. I was already out, getting moderately sloshed at Cafe Campus 80s night with Marc and some of his friends and some of their friends. (And having an utterly kickass good time, right down to the drunken eating of cheap ghetto pizza afterwards. This whole dating someone thing is working out really well for me ... woohoo!)

Was it really just that I needed him? Was it really nothing more than that? I don't want to believe that. I don't want it to be true. But, let's be honest. I did need him last year, and this year I don't.

I did like him. I did want him for a friend. But I think I let my neediness prevent me from standing up for myself. And now ... well, now I'm finding myself feeling a little bitter and ill-used. It's not his fault, really. Not totally, anyway.

And he does actually seem to want to see me. So all of my paranoia about twisting his arm and bullying him into being my friend seems to be just what I suspected and hoped it was: total bullshit.

But I gave away all of my power, any claim I had to doing things on my own terms, even just once in a while. And now that's come back on me, and I just don't have the time or inclination to carry on that sort of friendship anymore.

So, I need to talk to him. I need to sort this out. I don't want a perfectly good friendship to go down the tubes because I got in the habit of letting him take me for granted, and then decided to get bitter about it.

It can still be repaired. I think.

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